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It’s her that I want to fight with, nobody else. I have and will always be brutally honest with her, no matter the personal consequences I might endure and/or whether I could avoid it with a ‘little white lie’. It’s just too painful dreaming of her every day of my life. I dream that I am her hero, always capable of rescuing and easing her every pain, and that she is my Queen and that I make her feel so alive and happy that she sings silly songs and tells me made up stories about fruit. But yet, when I wake up, I’m always alone, she’s constantly pushing me away. She keeps telling me that she’s leaving it in god’s hands. Why doesn’t she understand that my heart is in her hands, for I’m hers for the taking, that I’m ripe and ready to be harvested? Why does she play with my heart, doesn’t she understand that even when she’s next to me that’s still too far away? I have to face the reality that she doesn’t want to be MINE, that I’ll never be more then comfort food to her and that you. Now he’s pulling down his shorts. I’m looking at his ass! Yikes! He’s lifting Nadine onto the edge of the pool. He’s spreading her legs. A few moments later he’s pounding her. I’ve had enough! I don’t need to see this! This is disrespectful of Nadine! I’m leaving the study, going upstairs in my bedroom. I’m opening the curtains. I’m so glad this window doesn’t provide a view of the pool. I really don’t want to see this! It’s torture for me. I’m sitting down on my small two-seater couch in my bedroom and I’m taking out the laptop and try to keep working. But I’m getting distracted. A deep sadness is overcoming me. It’s the first time Nadine has openly defied my wishes. Rage is mixed with my sadness. How could she?! She’s hurting me on purpose. Well, this will be over soon anyway. The move-out date for Nadine and Katia is just around the corner. I’m trying to focus on work. I’m feeling slightly better. A good amount of time passes. I’m not seeing anything unusual. I’m not hearing.
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